What happened in your childhood?
by George Hartwell m.Sc.
As a child did you play outdoors with freedom to explore as I did? That helped me gain deep confidence that the world is a safe place. The exhilaration of play gives you the courage to learn and explore new things.
Did you have shame experiences? When I went bicycling with the other boys I had a stupid belt drive that could not coast. That meant I always had to be peddling and once it resulted in a serious accident because I couldn’t coast down a steep road. If I ever experienced shame about this, I have no recall. Children tend not to blame parents and maybe from these kind of experiences I learned not notice such things - to dissociate.
What was your dad like? My dad showed no real interest, affection or delight in my younger siblings or me. That, and the fact that he was away for 3 years to be in the war, was just the way it was. I remember no resentment at him at the time. However, now I am slow to feel comfortable with men or to trust authority figures and it sets unconscious limits to my intimate connection with God.
What about church? My dad insisted we attend every week. I never knew why, but the habit was formed, Now I can feel guilty if I am to attending church.
In your childhood was there time to play and was play allowed? We were often sent outside to play when dad wanted to be alone to read the paper after supper. With 3 younger sisters and 2 brothers I had lots of play time in my childhood and they saw me as the play leader. These day I can be playful and enjoy the outdoors.
How did your Childhood effect you?
For sure, what happens in your childhood stays part of you. Those memories shape how you see the world. A distant dad shapes how you react to men and will effect how you see God. My ability to be playful follows from being allowed ample playtime as a kid.
Freud would call our emotional memories our Unconscious. Psychologists would use the term Emotional Brain. Agnes Sanford - my mentor in prayer and inner healing - wrote of ‘Junior’ to refer to our unconscious inner self. The use of the term ‘Inner Child’ is another way to refer to that part of us that keeps alive our childhood feelings, memories and perspectives. I am writing a book on the healing and freeing of our Inner Child - Heal My Inner Child.
Your personality with all your quirks is, in large part, an outflow of your childhood memories, feelings and perspectives. Your personality is an expression of your unconscious, your emotional brain or your inner child. You choose your favorite term.
Does this mean we Blame our Parents?
I would like to blame my parents, or at least understand who they are and how that made me who I am. However, being angry at mom or dad is not going to free me to be different, will it?
One thing John and Paula Sandford pointed out in their writings was that deep anger and bitterness at one’s parents not only does not free us, it locks us into them. Whatever characteristic we lock onto with our bitterness is the characteristic what we will find in our life. We will replicate it ourselves or find it coming at us from someone else. You might call that psychological karma.
Blame does not lead to freedom. That is one example of why forgiveness is freeing.
Forgive my Parents - is that the Key to health and freedom?
Consciously forgiving you parents is a good idea as long as you do not confuse that with real inner healing. The head can choose to forgive while the heart continues to remember events that hurt and that generate bitterness. So head can forgive, but heart may not.
So, choosing to forgive is the right thing to do, it is not real inner healing because it does not change the heart. Oh yes, by the way, the Biblical term for the Unconscious, Emotional Brain or Inner Child is the Heart. I see these terms as interchangeable.
Head Forgiveness is not Heart Forgiveness?
No. Head forgiveness does not achieve heart forgiveness. Frankly the head is disconnected from the heart - meaning it does not know it and it cannot change it.
Choosing to forgive is a step in the right direction. Another step is asking Jesus to be Lord of your anger/bitterness. That allows Jesus as you Lord, Healer, Saviour and Deliverer to get to work at the deeper levels of your life.
Once you do this - ask Jesus to be Lord of an issue - then healing and change begins. However, you my not notice it at first. The Lord’s healing is sure and the process persists for a lifetime but you just might not notice the changes right away. God works in humble, quiet and subtle ways, but He never stops working.
But, I don’t want to go back into my Childhood!
You are not alone if you don’t want to go back, if you don’t want to ‘dig up the past.’
If you feel that way you may not like me talking about the Inner Child. You don’t like the idea of awakening the Inner Child. The idea is frightening.
There is a reason you don’t want to go back into the past or talk about your Inner Child. Do you know what it is?
Could it be that your life is invested in caring for others and you are happy with your role as a Caregiver?
You have learned to ignore your own needs - it is a long-standing pattern - and you see no reason to change it. Is that it?
By the way, ignoring your own needs is another way of saying that you have successfully ignored your Inner Child. Did you know that? How is that working for you?
The Lost or Hidden Inner Child
Jesus said, we need to turn and become like little childrenWhat does that mean? What if it means that we need to unlock our heart, let our Inner Child free and find healing of our memories?
Perhaps freeing our Inner Child is not an option. Eventually, it is not going to work for any of us. Bad things begin to happen.
What if our Inner Child does not get healed?
1. It could mean a physical expression as heart attack or stroke representing a physical blowing of the inner fuse.
2. It can mean anxiety becoming panic or anxiety becoming deepening depression.
3. It could be the above plus a general identity disorientation, as if one’s past life was disintegrating and something new was wanting to be born.
That is what it feels like in the midst of a positive nervous breakdown. (Positive Nervous Breakdown is my term for the spontaneous disintegration of one’s personality pattern in order to allow integration of a new identity. It will be covered in one chapter of the Heal My Inner Child book. See https://innerhealmylife.weebly.com/)
Do you know my childhood?
I emerged from childhood deeply confused about who I was. I had learned (some would say chosen) to be a good boy and had focused my life on pleasing others and getting things right.
As long as I was invested in pleasing others I was avoiding be my own identity. I was something of an empty house (in Jesus’ terms of reference). No one was home.
My first marriage was a failure mainly because my wife was lonely and felt isolated from the man she married but could never get to know. I had no backbone. I was indecisive. I was out of touch with my feelings and all this made me terrible to be married to.
Finding that the Holy Spirit was alive and well on Planet Earth I chose to give my life to God and things began to turn around for me. However, my first impulse in my new relationship with God was pleasing or working for God rather than having an intimate relationship.
However my wife was not at all happy with my decision for reasons rooted in a deep trauma that shaped her life and turned her against God. In other words choosing God did not save my marriage and five years later the marriage broke up.
About two years after the pain and loss of the marriage breakup I attended a weeklong seminar with John and Paula Sandford. As soon as they taught on Performance Orientation, I recognized my pattern of being nice, getting it right, and pleasing people. I asked for prayer the very same day and from that day forward things were never the same. I was leaving behind the old pattern of People Pleasing and discovering my identity that was growing in Christ. That process is still going on.
Because my new identity was birthed in prayer in Jesus name, I identify as a man of God. This is natural because in so many ways I was born from above.
An Alternative to a Nervous Breakdown
What this means for all of us is that there is an alternative to the spontaneous disintegration of one’s personality in what feels like a nervous breakdown. You can identify that pattern and ask Jesus to save and rescue from the old pattern and be with you in finding your more authentic identity. That way the nervous breakdown experience is not necessary. By letting Jesus be Lord, Saviour, Healer and Deliverer you have found a gentler route to a healthier identity.
Who Needs a Professional Christian Counselor?
Like any story it sounds simple. In my story insight appears; a prayer happens and everything resolves peacefully. Maybe I made it sound a little too easy. Here is why it is not always like that:
In this regard:
So professional Christian counsellors/therapists can be your ally in healing memories and changing core perspectives. Some will have mastered the process of life transformation and can guide you through the personality changes I have described above.
Written by George Hartwell M.Sc. a Christian counsellor and registered psychotherapist with a masters in clinical psychology and 40 years experience.
Sessions with George bring people to healing experiences in a loving safe environment. His reliable and innovative methods provide a compassionate focus on people's feelings, a wise understanding of their issues and psychological and faith-based solutions for change.
Phone (416) 939-0544 to book your first session..
My fee schedule is $160 per hour. Payment is by bank transfer or PayPal transfer.
Guarantee. If, in the first session, you decide this is not a good fit for you, we will stop the session and cancel any payment due. I want this to work for you and for me.
by George Hartwell m.Sc.
As a child did you play outdoors with freedom to explore as I did? That helped me gain deep confidence that the world is a safe place. The exhilaration of play gives you the courage to learn and explore new things.
Did you have shame experiences? When I went bicycling with the other boys I had a stupid belt drive that could not coast. That meant I always had to be peddling and once it resulted in a serious accident because I couldn’t coast down a steep road. If I ever experienced shame about this, I have no recall. Children tend not to blame parents and maybe from these kind of experiences I learned not notice such things - to dissociate.
What was your dad like? My dad showed no real interest, affection or delight in my younger siblings or me. That, and the fact that he was away for 3 years to be in the war, was just the way it was. I remember no resentment at him at the time. However, now I am slow to feel comfortable with men or to trust authority figures and it sets unconscious limits to my intimate connection with God.
What about church? My dad insisted we attend every week. I never knew why, but the habit was formed, Now I can feel guilty if I am to attending church.
In your childhood was there time to play and was play allowed? We were often sent outside to play when dad wanted to be alone to read the paper after supper. With 3 younger sisters and 2 brothers I had lots of play time in my childhood and they saw me as the play leader. These day I can be playful and enjoy the outdoors.
How did your Childhood effect you?
For sure, what happens in your childhood stays part of you. Those memories shape how you see the world. A distant dad shapes how you react to men and will effect how you see God. My ability to be playful follows from being allowed ample playtime as a kid.
Freud would call our emotional memories our Unconscious. Psychologists would use the term Emotional Brain. Agnes Sanford - my mentor in prayer and inner healing - wrote of ‘Junior’ to refer to our unconscious inner self. The use of the term ‘Inner Child’ is another way to refer to that part of us that keeps alive our childhood feelings, memories and perspectives. I am writing a book on the healing and freeing of our Inner Child - Heal My Inner Child.
Your personality with all your quirks is, in large part, an outflow of your childhood memories, feelings and perspectives. Your personality is an expression of your unconscious, your emotional brain or your inner child. You choose your favorite term.
Does this mean we Blame our Parents?
I would like to blame my parents, or at least understand who they are and how that made me who I am. However, being angry at mom or dad is not going to free me to be different, will it?
One thing John and Paula Sandford pointed out in their writings was that deep anger and bitterness at one’s parents not only does not free us, it locks us into them. Whatever characteristic we lock onto with our bitterness is the characteristic what we will find in our life. We will replicate it ourselves or find it coming at us from someone else. You might call that psychological karma.
Blame does not lead to freedom. That is one example of why forgiveness is freeing.
Forgive my Parents - is that the Key to health and freedom?
Consciously forgiving you parents is a good idea as long as you do not confuse that with real inner healing. The head can choose to forgive while the heart continues to remember events that hurt and that generate bitterness. So head can forgive, but heart may not.
So, choosing to forgive is the right thing to do, it is not real inner healing because it does not change the heart. Oh yes, by the way, the Biblical term for the Unconscious, Emotional Brain or Inner Child is the Heart. I see these terms as interchangeable.
Head Forgiveness is not Heart Forgiveness?
No. Head forgiveness does not achieve heart forgiveness. Frankly the head is disconnected from the heart - meaning it does not know it and it cannot change it.
Choosing to forgive is a step in the right direction. Another step is asking Jesus to be Lord of your anger/bitterness. That allows Jesus as you Lord, Healer, Saviour and Deliverer to get to work at the deeper levels of your life.
Once you do this - ask Jesus to be Lord of an issue - then healing and change begins. However, you my not notice it at first. The Lord’s healing is sure and the process persists for a lifetime but you just might not notice the changes right away. God works in humble, quiet and subtle ways, but He never stops working.
But, I don’t want to go back into my Childhood!
You are not alone if you don’t want to go back, if you don’t want to ‘dig up the past.’
If you feel that way you may not like me talking about the Inner Child. You don’t like the idea of awakening the Inner Child. The idea is frightening.
There is a reason you don’t want to go back into the past or talk about your Inner Child. Do you know what it is?
Could it be that your life is invested in caring for others and you are happy with your role as a Caregiver?
You have learned to ignore your own needs - it is a long-standing pattern - and you see no reason to change it. Is that it?
By the way, ignoring your own needs is another way of saying that you have successfully ignored your Inner Child. Did you know that? How is that working for you?
The Lost or Hidden Inner Child
Jesus said, we need to turn and become like little childrenWhat does that mean? What if it means that we need to unlock our heart, let our Inner Child free and find healing of our memories?
Perhaps freeing our Inner Child is not an option. Eventually, it is not going to work for any of us. Bad things begin to happen.
What if our Inner Child does not get healed?
1. It could mean a physical expression as heart attack or stroke representing a physical blowing of the inner fuse.
2. It can mean anxiety becoming panic or anxiety becoming deepening depression.
3. It could be the above plus a general identity disorientation, as if one’s past life was disintegrating and something new was wanting to be born.
That is what it feels like in the midst of a positive nervous breakdown. (Positive Nervous Breakdown is my term for the spontaneous disintegration of one’s personality pattern in order to allow integration of a new identity. It will be covered in one chapter of the Heal My Inner Child book. See https://innerhealmylife.weebly.com/)
Do you know my childhood?
I emerged from childhood deeply confused about who I was. I had learned (some would say chosen) to be a good boy and had focused my life on pleasing others and getting things right.
As long as I was invested in pleasing others I was avoiding be my own identity. I was something of an empty house (in Jesus’ terms of reference). No one was home.
My first marriage was a failure mainly because my wife was lonely and felt isolated from the man she married but could never get to know. I had no backbone. I was indecisive. I was out of touch with my feelings and all this made me terrible to be married to.
Finding that the Holy Spirit was alive and well on Planet Earth I chose to give my life to God and things began to turn around for me. However, my first impulse in my new relationship with God was pleasing or working for God rather than having an intimate relationship.
However my wife was not at all happy with my decision for reasons rooted in a deep trauma that shaped her life and turned her against God. In other words choosing God did not save my marriage and five years later the marriage broke up.
About two years after the pain and loss of the marriage breakup I attended a weeklong seminar with John and Paula Sandford. As soon as they taught on Performance Orientation, I recognized my pattern of being nice, getting it right, and pleasing people. I asked for prayer the very same day and from that day forward things were never the same. I was leaving behind the old pattern of People Pleasing and discovering my identity that was growing in Christ. That process is still going on.
Because my new identity was birthed in prayer in Jesus name, I identify as a man of God. This is natural because in so many ways I was born from above.
An Alternative to a Nervous Breakdown
What this means for all of us is that there is an alternative to the spontaneous disintegration of one’s personality in what feels like a nervous breakdown. You can identify that pattern and ask Jesus to save and rescue from the old pattern and be with you in finding your more authentic identity. That way the nervous breakdown experience is not necessary. By letting Jesus be Lord, Saviour, Healer and Deliverer you have found a gentler route to a healthier identity.
Who Needs a Professional Christian Counselor?
Like any story it sounds simple. In my story insight appears; a prayer happens and everything resolves peacefully. Maybe I made it sound a little too easy. Here is why it is not always like that:
- 1. You need the right insight and it must appear in your life at the moment you are ready to accept and receive it.
- 2. You may need to agree with someone who understands enough of the problems and has faith enough to agree with you in prayer.
- 3. Very few of us are looking for the resources needed to heal and transform their lives. Seek and you will find, says Jesus.
- 4. Not everyone is ready to give their life to God and invite the Holy Spirit to baptize them.
- 5. When I gave my life to God, I was given the gift of faith which made me ready to believe for miracles in my life.
In this regard:
- • Sometimes a professional Christian counselor has the resources and insight that you need.
- • A Christian counsellor / psychotherapist may have faith to agree with you in prayer.
- • Seeking professional help is a way of seeking answers for your life.
- • A Christian prayer therapist, if they work like I do, will lead you to ask Jesus to be Lord of the problem you are dealing with so Jesus gets the glory. At the end we thank Jesus for the work that is completed.
So professional Christian counsellors/therapists can be your ally in healing memories and changing core perspectives. Some will have mastered the process of life transformation and can guide you through the personality changes I have described above.
Written by George Hartwell M.Sc. a Christian counsellor and registered psychotherapist with a masters in clinical psychology and 40 years experience.
Sessions with George bring people to healing experiences in a loving safe environment. His reliable and innovative methods provide a compassionate focus on people's feelings, a wise understanding of their issues and psychological and faith-based solutions for change.
Phone (416) 939-0544 to book your first session..
My fee schedule is $160 per hour. Payment is by bank transfer or PayPal transfer.
Guarantee. If, in the first session, you decide this is not a good fit for you, we will stop the session and cancel any payment due. I want this to work for you and for me.