What are the causes of an avoidant personality trait?
What are the subtle signs of an avoidant partner?
How to deal with an avoidant personality relationship.
Avoidant Personality is written by George Hartwell M.Sc. a Christian counsellor and registered psychotherapist with a masters in clinical psychology and 40 years experience and an expert on avoidant personality relationships.
Sessions with George bring people to healing experiences in a loving safe environment. His reliable and innovative methods provide a compassionate focus on people's feelings, a wise understanding of their issues and psychological and faith-based solutions for change.
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I provide professional consultations on avoidant personality relationships.
What are the causes of an avoidant personality trait?
What are the subtle signs of an avoidant partner?
The main sign of an Avoidant partner is the how they avoid personal sharing and emotional openness. As a result of that avoidance of sharing personal things, little or no real intimacy and bonding can happen.
Avoidant people may not realize how much their communication is avoidant as they may consciously want to have a companion. It is their heart (unconscious) that has shut down to being in a love relationship. As a result the person gives mixed messages. Yes they want to be married but no they do not want to have real bonding with their marriage partner.
The causes are hidden just as the person is hidden. They put much energy into managing public perception. You will see how they try to correct any confrontation or revelation about them. They are invested in outward appearance.
The pattern is characterized by shame - lack of early affirmation of the right to be a person. Look back into their history and mother likely did not have close relationships with her parents. One case is being sent to a boarding school like the English upper class used to do. Missionaries also used to send their children to boarding school so the child only saw their parents at holidays.
Put more simply the mother of an avoidant person is likely an avoidant person. This means during the first year of building the bond with her infant, mother backed out of the intimate moments with her infant. She avoided, because she felt uncomfortable with intimacy with her infant and, therefore, her infant learned to avoid as well. In this way it is generational.
In addition, you may find that mother or father deserted the child in the early years creating too big a wound. They do not want to trust again because the possible pain is too much. I am sure you have met people like that.
I find the Avoidant Person tends to avoid all risks not just intimacy in love and sharing in personal relationships.
Another subtle sign of the avoidant is how it effects the health and life of their partner. Where true communion is absent sickness and death follow. Therefore it shows up when their marriage partner withers for lack of life and love in the marriage. This lack of love sucks life, energy and health and then manifests as serious physical health problems in the avoidant’s partner.
What are the subtle signs of an avoidant partner?
The main sign of an Avoidant partner is the how they avoid personal sharing and emotional openness. As a result of that avoidance of sharing personal things, little or no real intimacy and bonding can happen.
Avoidant people may not realize how much their communication is avoidant as they may consciously want to have a companion. It is their heart (unconscious) that has shut down to being in a love relationship. As a result the person gives mixed messages. Yes they want to be married but no they do not want to have real bonding with their marriage partner.
The causes are hidden just as the person is hidden. They put much energy into managing public perception. You will see how they try to correct any confrontation or revelation about them. They are invested in outward appearance.
The pattern is characterized by shame - lack of early affirmation of the right to be a person. Look back into their history and mother likely did not have close relationships with her parents. One case is being sent to a boarding school like the English upper class used to do. Missionaries also used to send their children to boarding school so the child only saw their parents at holidays.
Put more simply the mother of an avoidant person is likely an avoidant person. This means during the first year of building the bond with her infant, mother backed out of the intimate moments with her infant. She avoided, because she felt uncomfortable with intimacy with her infant and, therefore, her infant learned to avoid as well. In this way it is generational.
In addition, you may find that mother or father deserted the child in the early years creating too big a wound. They do not want to trust again because the possible pain is too much. I am sure you have met people like that.
I find the Avoidant Person tends to avoid all risks not just intimacy in love and sharing in personal relationships.
Another subtle sign of the avoidant is how it effects the health and life of their partner. Where true communion is absent sickness and death follow. Therefore it shows up when their marriage partner withers for lack of life and love in the marriage. This lack of love sucks life, energy and health and then manifests as serious physical health problems in the avoidant’s partner.
How can the Avoidant Personality Block love and Happiness in Marriage? What is going on?
Inner tendencies to avoid bonding can destroy marriage. It is almost involuntary. One might desire a healthy marriage and a life partner but something interferes. Without fully intending to, one resists and avoids intimacy and bonding.
That doesn't work. When you continue to drive your car without oil in the engine, you get a blown engine. That wrecks your engine and can cause a serious accident.
The love connection is the oil in the engine, the something in marriage without which it grinds to a halt, often with serious damage to the participants. No one intended it to fail. Attempts to heal and correct often fail in spite of ourselves.
The avoidance personality destroys the love connection in marriage without intending to. Their heart made a significant choice a long time ago and is likely going to change. This decision seems to be locked in like an inner vow.
There are certain activities that encourage bonding. Did you ever catch an infants attention because you were making eye contact? Eye contact is a way of connection. I sometimes mimic a babies facial or tongue expressions. If they notice it is a source of pleasure for them because there is a form of communication. Responding to another's communication is a form of connection. Eye contact is essential for bonding.
When someone makes a polite request, it is a form of respectful contact. If someone listens to you when you are upset and acknowledges your feelings, that is an important form of contact. Listening and responding to feelings encourages bonding.
When I pet my dog, that affection is a form of contact.
hen we spend dedicated to another without any agenda and they share their heart, that, too, build connection. My wife and I just had a three day holiday at a retreat like setting without any agenda to complete work. Our relationship deepened during that time and we have been enjoying positive feelings and I have felt like cherishing and including her more since that time.
Do you know anyone who you never seem to get to know? You realize after time together that they have revealed nothing about themselves at any personal or feeling level. That is an example of the limited kind of contact one can have with the Avoidant Personality. Look at the kind of activities I discussed above that create contact. Those are the kind of activities that do not happen around the Avoidant Personality. Almost none of them ever.
Blocked
Eliminate these kind of activities from your relationship and bonding does not occur and what you begin to drift apart emotionally. That is the subtle kind of block to marital love and happiness thrown up by avoidant behaviours.
Help! What Happened to my Marriage?
The Avoidant Personality is not obvious if you do not know what you are looking for. Your marriage may have continued for many years with a vague sense of discontent that you could not put your finger on. That says that you may want to find a marriage counsellor who understands the subtlety of the Avoidant pattern and a psychotherapist who is familiar with the cause and healing of this behaviour.
This page will give you some indication of my familiarity of the behaviour of the Avoidant Personality. I am primed to encourage the progress that one needs to make to get beyond this pattern. For more information contact:
George Hartwell (416) 939-0544. I am taking on new clients at the moment so call now.
That doesn't work. When you continue to drive your car without oil in the engine, you get a blown engine. That wrecks your engine and can cause a serious accident.
The love connection is the oil in the engine, the something in marriage without which it grinds to a halt, often with serious damage to the participants. No one intended it to fail. Attempts to heal and correct often fail in spite of ourselves.
The avoidance personality destroys the love connection in marriage without intending to. Their heart made a significant choice a long time ago and is likely going to change. This decision seems to be locked in like an inner vow.
There are certain activities that encourage bonding. Did you ever catch an infants attention because you were making eye contact? Eye contact is a way of connection. I sometimes mimic a babies facial or tongue expressions. If they notice it is a source of pleasure for them because there is a form of communication. Responding to another's communication is a form of connection. Eye contact is essential for bonding.
When someone makes a polite request, it is a form of respectful contact. If someone listens to you when you are upset and acknowledges your feelings, that is an important form of contact. Listening and responding to feelings encourages bonding.
When I pet my dog, that affection is a form of contact.
hen we spend dedicated to another without any agenda and they share their heart, that, too, build connection. My wife and I just had a three day holiday at a retreat like setting without any agenda to complete work. Our relationship deepened during that time and we have been enjoying positive feelings and I have felt like cherishing and including her more since that time.
Do you know anyone who you never seem to get to know? You realize after time together that they have revealed nothing about themselves at any personal or feeling level. That is an example of the limited kind of contact one can have with the Avoidant Personality. Look at the kind of activities I discussed above that create contact. Those are the kind of activities that do not happen around the Avoidant Personality. Almost none of them ever.
Blocked
Eliminate these kind of activities from your relationship and bonding does not occur and what you begin to drift apart emotionally. That is the subtle kind of block to marital love and happiness thrown up by avoidant behaviours.
Help! What Happened to my Marriage?
The Avoidant Personality is not obvious if you do not know what you are looking for. Your marriage may have continued for many years with a vague sense of discontent that you could not put your finger on. That says that you may want to find a marriage counsellor who understands the subtlety of the Avoidant pattern and a psychotherapist who is familiar with the cause and healing of this behaviour.
This page will give you some indication of my familiarity of the behaviour of the Avoidant Personality. I am primed to encourage the progress that one needs to make to get beyond this pattern. For more information contact:
George Hartwell (416) 939-0544. I am taking on new clients at the moment so call now.
Why does a marriage end up in the 'Roomate Phase?'
You might think that ending up in the 'Roomate Phase' of marriage is all about loss of romance and sexual attraction. But other things can be at work. One of those factors is the manifestation, in one or both partners, of the Avoidant Personality Pattern. If one or both partners have consistently avoided all communication and connection activities that lead to deeper bonding, they will end up without an intimate marital bond. By their fear and neglect they have torn asunder what God meant to put together.
Going avoidant is the hearts refusal to bond. It is the hearts refusal to be married at the emotional level. This definately shifts a marriage into 'Roomate Phase,' even if some sexual relationship lingers for a while.
The Avoidant Personality is firmly committed to avoiding real marriage bonding. For example, the Avoidant personality is persistent and consistent in avoiding any sharing of personal information. Continue this and the eventual outcome is a 'silent divorce' or the non avoidant partner wanting to divorce. When you keep up the appearance of a marriage while being in the emotional divorce that is when you become 'Roomates.'
Like all other life patterns that are rooted in childhood memories, Self-change is frustratingly ineffective. I am a professional registered Psychotherapist equipped with several methodologies that do work to produce lasting change in your life patterns. For a consultation phone me: George Hartwell (416) 939-0544 (Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Eastern Standard Time zone).
Going avoidant is the hearts refusal to bond. It is the hearts refusal to be married at the emotional level. This definately shifts a marriage into 'Roomate Phase,' even if some sexual relationship lingers for a while.
The Avoidant Personality is firmly committed to avoiding real marriage bonding. For example, the Avoidant personality is persistent and consistent in avoiding any sharing of personal information. Continue this and the eventual outcome is a 'silent divorce' or the non avoidant partner wanting to divorce. When you keep up the appearance of a marriage while being in the emotional divorce that is when you become 'Roomates.'
Like all other life patterns that are rooted in childhood memories, Self-change is frustratingly ineffective. I am a professional registered Psychotherapist equipped with several methodologies that do work to produce lasting change in your life patterns. For a consultation phone me: George Hartwell (416) 939-0544 (Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Eastern Standard Time zone).
How do You Know if You are an Avoidant Personality?
- What is the Avoidant Personality?
- How do you know if are Avoidant Personality?
- How does Avoidant Behaviour Block Bonding and Connection?
- How does one know if you are an avoidant personality disorder?
A. However if one is given to self-observation you will notice that a lot of your life is based on fear of closeness. You do a lot of things to keep social distance and avoid intimate contact with others.
B. You may notice that you hate and avoid conflict. You may want to have your say but then do what you can to disappear so the other cannot respond. You disappear a lot. You also lie to avoid conflict or accountability.
C. You give solution answers to a person in trouble but do not empathize or respond to or acknowledge their feelings. You try to fix things rather but are not good at comforting the person.
D. When it comes to activities that go beyond your comfort zone you will tend to stay within your comfort zone rather than break out. You avoid risks in a lot of different areas.
E. Especially you avoid the risk of love. You avoid activities that could lead to personal communication, affection, bonding. That is the essential avoidance of the Avoidant Personality.
What others may notice in you, or you may notice in the avoidant:
- Is your refusal to give straight answers,
- Your failure to acknowledge people’s feelings,
- You do not make clear requests
- You may avoid 'please' when you make requests,
- You lack depth in conversation,
- You are always well dressed, and you home perfect,
- You are poor at spontaneous hospitality and, perhaps, extravagant at planned hospitality,
- In life you tend in some areas to avoid risk.
How to Nurture a love relationship with an Avoidant Personality
How can I keep a thriving love relationship with a person who has Avoidant personality?
First of all i think you are making a grammatical error. You should not put ‘thriving love relationship’ together with ‘Avoidant Personality’ in the same sentence. :-)
Nor should you put a person who has any need, interest or capability for a thriving love relationship close to an Avoidant Personality. Not a good match.
The person with the Avoidant Personality is absolutely closed, at the heart level, to a love relationship. That will never change, Though, at times, it may not look that hopeless.
The Avoidant Personality may act like they want the love relationship. They may believe they want a love relationship. But if that is the case, it because they do not know their heart. They may choose to get married.
However, the heart of the Avoidant Personality is completely opposed to a love relationship and their heart will be thoroughly and completely effective in blocking love simply by refusing to enter into a heart-felt relationship.
The heart has reasons of its own and who can know it. But if your heart, or her heart, is really completely avoidant it will not change. You can be married for 20 years and it will not change, unless you have the love and patience to encourage the process of change and they have a willingness in their spirit to burrow out of the pit and prison they are in to find light and love. But that is a very rare exception.
Loving someone who has no intention to love you at the heart level is frustrating, depressing, discouraging, debilitating and sucks the life out of you. It is death by a thousand avoidances and it is painful.
Do not try.
What does it feel like to be in a relationship with someone with severe avoidant personality disorder?
Answer: To be in a relationship with someone with avoidant personality can drain one of life, love and health. It is also confusing and frustrating because it seems impossible to move into true connection or intimacy. You may blame yourself because it is not clear why the relationship is not working. The Avoidant Personality denies that there is an issue.
They never like to talk about issues in the first place. They definately do not want to talk about the love issues and feelings around bonding and connection.
Unconsciously they are blocking love and connection and unconsciously they are blocking any discussion about that blocking. They may not even be aware that it is happening as I may operate so completely at the unconscious level.
Avoidance is the result of deep pain from love, bonding and intimacy which the Avoidant Personality learns to avoid. Their painful experiences with love relationships results in avoiding love relationships. This learning happens as early as in the first year of life. It can be learned from a mother who is avoidant.
The Avoidant Personality avoids all forms of bonding, intimacy, connection with others on a heart to heart basis. This is consistent and unwavering. This avoidance is manifested in a myriad of ways but the result is intimacy avoidance.
It is as if, when at the altar getting married, one’s intended mate says ‘I do,’ but their heart says, ‘No I don’t.’ The heart decision never changes unless some heart healing takes place. Usually it never wavers from that decision. It is unreal!
So, yes, the Avoidant person avoids therapy if there is a risk of being vulnerable. In my experience with an avoidant personality she would get hostile and hateful if pressured to go into therapy. Fear, in this case, surfaces as hate.
The Avoidant spouse is as good as a Psychopath at keeping up appearances. Security depends on the outer mask and appearances. There is a great rage or hate if you disturb this safety.
You will notice the Avoidant Personality needs to be very private. This is true even from one's spouse. There is extreme anxiety about being seen. Curtains are never left open, for example.
Olivia never wanted curtains open so that anyone one the sidewalk could see in. She had no interest in seeing out if it meant someone could see in. Somehow there was safety in not being seen, like an ostrich hiding her head in the sand.
We know that people develop avoidant patterns very early in life. An avoidant pattern of attachment between mother and child can be detected at 12 months.
This happens when mother avoids the close relationship, avoids face to face interaction, does not smile and play with her infant, and fails to provide attentive care to her infant’s needs.
This avoidant pattern is fairly well established in childhood as a result of failure to bond to mother. If mother stays the same and no one else provides the loving bond the pattern will continue through childhood.
A few other experience may come along to support that pattern such as father deserts the family. Then first spouse leaves him or her.
By now the person has an accumulation of emotional experience to maintain the avoidance pattern. Their Emotional Brain can refuse to participate in a close relationship.
What this feels like is lonely. You are in a marriage officially but it does not feel like it because your spouse is not in the marriage at the heart level.
Eventually the sense of connection, love, unity fades until it was gone. The lack of connection will leave you dissatisfied with the marriage from early on until this point when nothing is left.
One is left with a lot of frustration in trying to communicate with your spouse about the marriage. However, Avoidants never do well with feedback, criticism, attempts to communicate about issues. They avoid - naturally. :-)
What if it is second nature for your mate to avoid any and all sharing of information, anything personal, even if it was important for your planning. That is so irrational that it becomes deeply confusing and disturbing. You are unable to grasp what is going on. It will drive you crazy.
More about the frustration, even crazy-making, of such a marriage see this blog post: Can an Avoidant Personality be Married with Children?
Like any other life pattern that is rooted in childhood memories, Self-change for Avoidant Personality tendencies is frustratingly ineffective. I am a professional registered Psychotherapist equipped with several methodologies that do work to produce lasting change in your life patterns. For a consultation phone me: George Hartwell (416) 939-0544 (Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Eastern Standard Time zone).
Are there time when the Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) acts like a Psychopath, and what are the differences and similarities of the two?
The Avoidant Personality is difficult to really know because they are very hidden and create illusions and appearances that keep them hidden. The main thing that their spouse learns is that they are not available.
The Psychopath also is highly skilled at appearances. The motive is different. They are just trying to meet their needs and be safe. A psychopath is also really difficult to get to know or understand. The psychopath may be just doing their best to get along and get their needs met.
Common to both is difficulty in getting to really know them. Also it is difficult to reach their heart or bond with them. The Avoidant will not allow themselves to bond, attach and deeply connect with another. The Psychopath is deeply distrustful of any bonding, is suspicious of love and has difficulty feeling any connection with another.
We know the psychopath is capable of great cruelty and hateful activity. It is almost like they need to get revenge even before you hurt them. When a psychopath is going after you, they will do everything in their power to destroy you. They are ruthless without clear awareness that their actions are so hateful and immoral and even self-destructive.
The avoidant personality does not act cruel, hateful, revengeful or out to destroy in any overt way under normal conditions. They need to stay hidden. However when they can no longer hide and you no longer allow them to hide, of you destroy their 'cover' then the hate and revenge will come out much more clearly if less overtly than the psychopath.
Therefore, if you start to expose them by dragging them to therapy or planing to leave them then you have crossed the red line and their ‘inner psychopath’ emerges with full fury. When the inner psychopath emerges, then a persistent penetrating attack on your life begins. If they can destroy your relationships with your family, your church, your workplace or community they will. At this point it becomes clear that they have a very different definition of love.
For the spouse this mean as long the appearance of a relationship remains intact the avoidant partner does not attack. As long as they are private and remain hidden all is well. For the avoidant a silent divorce is perfectly acceptable. It may come as a surprise to their spouse but you serve as a companion not an intimate. You are like a household pet. You keep them safe and cosy and looking good.
So which of the two is more open to change? Which of the two is more open to love? Which is more likely to grow as a person, to embrace life?
My guess is that the avoidant personality disorder is least likely to embrace life, growth and love. That is because the avoidant’s avoidance of love and life is, I suspect, harder to overcome than the psychopath’s hurt /angry inner child’s anxiety in a love relationship.
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The Avoidant Personality is difficult to really know because they are very hidden and create illusions and appearances that keep them hidden. The main thing that their spouse learns is that they are not available.
The Psychopath also is highly skilled at appearances. The motive is different. They are just trying to meet their needs and be safe. A psychopath is also really difficult to get to know or understand. The psychopath may be just doing their best to get along and get their needs met.
Common to both is difficulty in getting to really know them. Also it is difficult to reach their heart or bond with them. The Avoidant will not allow themselves to bond, attach and deeply connect with another. The Psychopath is deeply distrustful of any bonding, is suspicious of love and has difficulty feeling any connection with another.
We know the psychopath is capable of great cruelty and hateful activity. It is almost like they need to get revenge even before you hurt them. When a psychopath is going after you, they will do everything in their power to destroy you. They are ruthless without clear awareness that their actions are so hateful and immoral and even self-destructive.
The avoidant personality does not act cruel, hateful, revengeful or out to destroy in any overt way under normal conditions. They need to stay hidden. However when they can no longer hide and you no longer allow them to hide, of you destroy their 'cover' then the hate and revenge will come out much more clearly if less overtly than the psychopath.
Therefore, if you start to expose them by dragging them to therapy or planing to leave them then you have crossed the red line and their ‘inner psychopath’ emerges with full fury. When the inner psychopath emerges, then a persistent penetrating attack on your life begins. If they can destroy your relationships with your family, your church, your workplace or community they will. At this point it becomes clear that they have a very different definition of love.
For the spouse this mean as long the appearance of a relationship remains intact the avoidant partner does not attack. As long as they are private and remain hidden all is well. For the avoidant a silent divorce is perfectly acceptable. It may come as a surprise to their spouse but you serve as a companion not an intimate. You are like a household pet. You keep them safe and cosy and looking good.
So which of the two is more open to change? Which of the two is more open to love? Which is more likely to grow as a person, to embrace life?
My guess is that the avoidant personality disorder is least likely to embrace life, growth and love. That is because the avoidant’s avoidance of love and life is, I suspect, harder to overcome than the psychopath’s hurt /angry inner child’s anxiety in a love relationship.
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