The family system of the People Pleaser did not meet their inner needs for loving and bonding. Because of the primary need for love the child reacts by trying to gain love by being good or perfect. The core belief of the People Pleaser becomes that love is something that you need to earn. achieve. So the child choses this method in childhood in order to obtain the needed love - to feel safe, secure and bonded.
Mother may avoid intimate contact with the child. Father may isolate himself from his child. But child's need for intimate connection is so strong that the child sacrifices authentic childhood - the spontaneous, playful, rebellious and creative child - to be the ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl.’ A healthy identity fails to develop. The healthy Inner Child gets lost. In some cases the person never finds or expresses their authentic self. The result is depression and the loss of the ability to really experience love.
The resultant personality consolidates those core beliefs and lock in the various conclusions until change is unlikely. The heart comes up with rules like: be perfect, get it right, work hard, look good. Heart concepts of self include beliefs like: I am no good, I am not worthy of love. No one will ever love me for who I am. There is something wrong with me. This how they started on the path of being people pleasers.
2. The Primary Drive and Motivation of the People Pleaser The Primary motivation of the People Pleaser is to earn love. Love is earned by following the rules of the 'Program.' The Program has rules like: 1. Never get angry. 2. Always be nice. 3. Keep working to accomplish something. 4. Get it done perfectly. The Program may mean being good. The Program may be to achieve at school. Later the Program may mean accomplishing a lot in your day. The Program puts the focus on doing rather than being. Doing substitutes for love as one's personality becomes distorted.
3. Temporary Rewards for following the Program There is a temporary reward for following the program. One achieves social status, parent's approval, and recognition. Praise brings good feelings that substitute for knowing and experiencing love - unconditional, unearned love and acceptance just for who you are.
4. Anxiety and the People Pleaser There is anxiety about not deserving love. There is anxiety about not being good enough. There is anxiety about being bad. There is anxiety about the fear no one will ever love me. The fear is that the program might fail to earn praise, approval, status, and money. Something might go wrong and undermine one's assurance in the program. Then there is anxiety and depression. Anxiety that they may be rejected, punished, or fail to be perfect.
5. The People Pleaser and Depression People Pleasers were children who believed it was their fault that they did not receive enough nurture. Therefore, as adults, unconsciously, they still believe there is something wrong with them. They may believe that they are unloveable. This leaves the People Pleaser in a state of depression.
6. The People Pleaser and Shame People pleasers will live in shame when they stop believing they have the right to be alive, to be seen, to have a voice, to take up space. They have to sacrifice having their own voice, feelings and assertive self to gain love. So shame is woven into their life.
7. Loss of Identity in the People Pleaser If not recognized and corrected, People Pleasers may lose track of their own identity. Their personality becomes totally focused on doing what is right. They will shift their personality to suit the person or group they are with - a cause of stress. They are out of touch with their Inner Child and what it feels like to be authentic and vulnerable.
8. Love Failures as a People Pleaser When People Pleasers become lost within, then they have no identity to meet their love partners. This means they are not equipped to participate in healthy love relationships. This frustrates their love partners and leaves the People Pleaser's partner feeling lonely. A woman cannot feel safe in a man's love if the man has no identity. She cannot feel his heart. She cannot get to know him. His feelings are hidden. The same works if a man has a people pleasing wife who has not developed her identity.
9. Competition and the People Pleaser The People Please comes from a family where they felt neglected. They lacked security in love and safety in a healthy mother-child and father-child attachments. They end up striving to be loved and blaming themselves for their supposed lacks. If there are siblings, it is natural that they feel that they have to be better than the others in order to gain the love. This begins a competitive side to the People Pleaser. The Competitor tries to be better than the other, to surpass the other to win over the other, to be brighter than the other, etc. Life becomes a competition.
10. Personality Distortion Whatever method, whatever competition works for the young People Pleaser to bring recognition, award, success will become strongly reinforced like an addiction. One can become addicted with being morally superior, with being intellectually superior, to being the top athlete etc. Once the pattern starts it is hard to stop.
11. Type A Personality and Heart Attacks The People Pleaser who is stressed about financial and career achievement is called a Type A Personality. The earning of love gets morphed into how much money you make or how far advanced you are in your career. It is another form of competition but it becomes an obsession. Everything that gives meaning and beauty to life seems insignificant compared to this obsessive focus. Family love gets neglected as work achievement possesses the soul.
12. Solutions for the People Pleaser Any pattern built on early family experiences, sustained by significant rewards, maintained by ingrained beliefs, will not be shifted by self-help methods or your own efforts. You will be much more successful in change if you work with a professionally qualified guide who can walk with you in the journey of change.
I am available to work with you by phone or in person and bring experience in psychotherapy and a deep understanding of the People Pleaser pattern. To learn more phone me at (416) 939-0544. George Hartwell M.Sc. (Masters of Science in Educational Psychology, registered psychotherapist, Ontario College of Registered Psychotherapists #006700.