People Pleasing and the Mess it can cause
Welcome to my professional page, where I offer specialized support for those struggling with the harmful habit of people-pleasing. As a qualified Christian psychotherapist, I help individuals address the root causes of their people-pleasing behaviors through trauma healing and an internal family systems approach.
If you or your spouse is caught in the cycle of people-pleasing, I can guide you in understanding this pattern and provide strategies to overcome it. People-pleasers often struggle with deep-seated anxiety about not deserving love, feeling inadequate, or believing they are inherently bad. This anxiety can erode self-confidence, leading to depression and a pervasive sense of shame. As a result, people-pleasers may sacrifice their voice, feelings, and assertive selves in an attempt to gain love and approval from others.
Through our therapeutic work, we aim to heal these underlying traumas and help you or your spouse develop a healthier, more authentic self. Whether you are dealing with people-pleasing tendencies yourself or are married to someone who is, I am here to provide the support and tools needed to navigate these challenges with compassion and understanding.
People Pleasing: Understanding and Overcoming the Habit What is People Pleasing? People pleasing is a behavior driven by the need to earn love and acceptance by adhering to a set of unwritten rules, often referred to as the "Program." This program includes rules like never getting angry, always being nice, and striving for perfection in everything you do. It might also involve being good, excelling in school or work, or accomplishing a lot in your day. While these behaviors may seem positive on the surface, they often lead to a distorted personality where doing replaces being, and this can cause significant anxiety and depression.
The Temporary Rewards and Long-Term Costs Following the program can bring temporary rewards such as social status, parental approval, and recognition. These good feelings, however, are substitutes for the genuine, unconditional love and acceptance that everyone needs. The anxiety of not feeling deserving of love, not being good enough, or fearing being seen as bad can undermine confidence in the program. This anxiety often leads to depression and a profound sense of shame, causing people-pleasers to sacrifice their true selves—their voice, feelings, and assertiveness—to gain love.
The Loss of Identity People pleasers often lose track of their identity, focusing entirely on doing what is perceived as right. They may adapt their personality to fit the person or group they are with, leading to a disconnection from their inner child and their authentic, vulnerable self. This loss of identity makes it challenging to engage in healthy love relationships, leaving partners feeling lonely and frustrated.
Love failures as a people-pleaser occur when they become lost within and have no identity to meet their love partners. This makes it challenging to participate in healthy love relationships, leaving their partner feeling lonely and frustrated and can lead to divorce.
The Competitive Nature The competitive nature of people pleasers stems from a feeling of neglect and a lack of security in love and healthy attachments. This leads to a drive to be beat out others so they can gain the scarce love available. This competitive streak, combined with the stress of constantly striving to please, can result in personality distortions, a competitive and critical nature, and even serious health issues like heart attacks. When People Pleasing turns into the achievement-focused Type A personality heart attacks is one outcome.
The Path to Healing Change is possible with the right guidance and support. At HealMyLife, we understand the deep-seated roots of people pleasing and offer professional help to overcome these harmful habits. Our approach includes exploring early family experiences, understanding the rewards and beliefs that sustain people-pleasing behaviors, and providing strategies for building a healthier, more authentic self.
How We Can Help If you recognize yourself as a people pleaser and are ready to take action towards changing this pattern, there is help available. George Hartwell M.Sc., with over 40 years of experience in Christian-based counseling, is dedicated to guiding you towards a happier and more fulfilling life. Through a blend of time-tested therapeutic techniques and spiritual insights, we can help you rediscover your true self and build healthier relationships.
Don't hesitate to reach out to us at HealMyLife for assistance. Your journey towards healing and a more authentic life starts here. Contact George Hartwell, registered psychotherapist at (416) 939-0544.
More information about the People Pleaser:
1. The People Pleaser is primarily motivated to be loved, to get love, to achieve love, to earn love, to compete for love, etc.
The Super-responsible is primarily motived to achieve peace and order. They may also be driven to help, rescue, save, support others or keeping a family, church or organization together. Rescuing is a deep mission felt in their bones.
2. The People Pleaser may come across with the submissive smile in their face. They may be always smiling because they are always trying to please those that they are with.
The Super-Responsible comes across calm, caring and eager to help. They are quick to say ’Sorry’ or feel they are responsible if anything goes wrong.
3. When criticized the People Pleaser gets defensive. Inside criticism triggers panic inner thoughts like, ‘I did something wrong,’ ‘I am bad,’ ‘I am not loved.’ These beliefs trigger a quick defensive reaction. They need to defend against really feeling these heart beliefs because they are depressing and anxiety provoking
When a Super-Responsible is criticized in the least they react. It seems they overreact to criticism. But there is a reason for that for they live with the constant criticism of their Inner Judge.
4. The People Pleaser may be passive, lack backbone and have trouble standing up and defending their loved ones. The People Pleaser position if submissive to others and passive often passive-aggressive.
The Super-Responsible is good at caring, being positive, keeping people talking so defends the unity of the family. They can be
5. The key factor in the childhood family of the People Pleaser is the lack of love, open affection, good communication, and healthy affirmation for success and praise. In this love vacuum the Inner child chooses to be less expressive of self and adopt more to the presumed requirements of the environment.
The key factor in the childhood family of the Super-Responsible is the lack of safety and order in the family. Conflict may be present, violence, verbal abuse, alcoholism, or for emotional, work or ill health one or both parents are emotionally absent or not functioning. The Inner Child chooses to be less expressive of self and to step in and fix the mess.
6. The People Pleaser may be identified by the important of how much they do, how much they accomplish and how important outward success measures are to them. Self worth and good feelings related to their achievements.
The Super-Responsible can be observed as poor at self-care. They neglect their own needs. Don’t take time for themselves. Their life is tied up in caring for others.
7. In the midst of the transition/breakdown the turning point for the People Pleasure is when they do not care as much what other people think and pleasing other people.
In the midst of the transition/breakdown the turning point for the Super-Responsible is doing some things that are fun or getting involved in some take-care-of-self activities.
8. Manipulative control of the People Pleaser is done easily through guilt. Or one can send a signal indicating that something is wrong. They feel guilty around right and wrong. Their parents may have disciplined through guilt.
1. The People Pleaser is primarily motivated to be loved, to get love, to achieve love, to earn love, to compete for love, etc.
The Super-responsible is primarily motived to achieve peace and order. They may also be driven to help, rescue, save, support others or keeping a family, church or organization together. Rescuing is a deep mission felt in their bones.
2. The People Pleaser may come across with the submissive smile in their face. They may be always smiling because they are always trying to please those that they are with.
The Super-Responsible comes across calm, caring and eager to help. They are quick to say ’Sorry’ or feel they are responsible if anything goes wrong.
3. When criticized the People Pleaser gets defensive. Inside criticism triggers panic inner thoughts like, ‘I did something wrong,’ ‘I am bad,’ ‘I am not loved.’ These beliefs trigger a quick defensive reaction. They need to defend against really feeling these heart beliefs because they are depressing and anxiety provoking
When a Super-Responsible is criticized in the least they react. It seems they overreact to criticism. But there is a reason for that for they live with the constant criticism of their Inner Judge.
4. The People Pleaser may be passive, lack backbone and have trouble standing up and defending their loved ones. The People Pleaser position if submissive to others and passive often passive-aggressive.
The Super-Responsible is good at caring, being positive, keeping people talking so defends the unity of the family. They can be
5. The key factor in the childhood family of the People Pleaser is the lack of love, open affection, good communication, and healthy affirmation for success and praise. In this love vacuum the Inner child chooses to be less expressive of self and adopt more to the presumed requirements of the environment.
The key factor in the childhood family of the Super-Responsible is the lack of safety and order in the family. Conflict may be present, violence, verbal abuse, alcoholism, or for emotional, work or ill health one or both parents are emotionally absent or not functioning. The Inner Child chooses to be less expressive of self and to step in and fix the mess.
6. The People Pleaser may be identified by the important of how much they do, how much they accomplish and how important outward success measures are to them. Self worth and good feelings related to their achievements.
The Super-Responsible can be observed as poor at self-care. They neglect their own needs. Don’t take time for themselves. Their life is tied up in caring for others.
7. In the midst of the transition/breakdown the turning point for the People Pleasure is when they do not care as much what other people think and pleasing other people.
In the midst of the transition/breakdown the turning point for the Super-Responsible is doing some things that are fun or getting involved in some take-care-of-self activities.
8. Manipulative control of the People Pleaser is done easily through guilt. Or one can send a signal indicating that something is wrong. They feel guilty around right and wrong. Their parents may have disciplined through guilt.
Conditions and Issues:
Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) and Silent Divorce: Healing from Avoidant Personality Disorder and Silent Divorce.
People Pleasing: The harm caused by, root causes and healing of a People-Pleasing Personality.
Emptiness, empty feeling, Something is Missing: Understanding the cause and path to healing of the feeling of Emptiness.
Deliverance from Evil: Deliverance ministry through healing of trauma with a Christian Psychotherapist.
Codependent: Understanding and therapy for Codependency. Gain a Clear Perspective on Codependent Behaviors
Christian perspective on the Psychopath or sociopath: Understanding prospects for therapy with Personality Disorders. Understanding the Psychopath and other Personality Personalities.
Nervous Breakdown and Mid-Life Crisis: What is a Nervous Breakdown or mid-life crisis? What therapy is appropriate for this? How to transform a painful identity crises into a growth experience.
Depression Therapy: Understanding and Healing of Depression - finding hope and renewal in dark times.
Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) and Silent Divorce: Healing from Avoidant Personality Disorder and Silent Divorce.
People Pleasing: The harm caused by, root causes and healing of a People-Pleasing Personality.
Emptiness, empty feeling, Something is Missing: Understanding the cause and path to healing of the feeling of Emptiness.
Deliverance from Evil: Deliverance ministry through healing of trauma with a Christian Psychotherapist.
Codependent: Understanding and therapy for Codependency. Gain a Clear Perspective on Codependent Behaviors
Christian perspective on the Psychopath or sociopath: Understanding prospects for therapy with Personality Disorders. Understanding the Psychopath and other Personality Personalities.
Nervous Breakdown and Mid-Life Crisis: What is a Nervous Breakdown or mid-life crisis? What therapy is appropriate for this? How to transform a painful identity crises into a growth experience.
Depression Therapy: Understanding and Healing of Depression - finding hope and renewal in dark times.