How do you find something you do not know that you are searching for?
All of my search was unconscious. I did not know I was searching. I did not know what I was searching for.
My dad and my church thought in a rational scientific way. Their world view became mine. There were no miracles because science requires consistency of the material universe. Science looke for those constancies called laws. How can there be laws if God can intervene and break those laws. Everything had to be consistent, orderly, lawful. Therefore it follows there are no real miracles.
My rational mind - my conscious thinking self - tried to find what I needed within this worldview. Material is all there is. There is no spiritual reality. The universe is orderly and there are no miracles. I did not know what I needed but I was deeply upset, confused, anxious, depressed without knowing what those feelings were.
My main method of finding my way was learning and complying. I attended to what was expected at home and at school. I learned the right answers at school and tried to be good at home and with people. I coloured within the lines and tried to memorize the stuff they taught at school. Nothing inspired me. I did not try to be creative. I tried to think within the box I was given. I was, of course dull and boring and predictable, bored and depressed without knowing what these feelings were.
How do I know that I was searching for something, looking for something more? Well for one thing I persisted to stay involved in church when other teens were off about other things. I had the courage to ask the minister of our church if there was a heaven. His answer did not carry much conviction but at least I asked.
I wanted to own a Bible and with my mother we sought advice as to a good version to use - I think it was the Revised Standard - and I had my first Bible.
My dad had a study book from his university years and studies with the Student Christian Movement at Western University in London, Ontario. It was a study of the teachings of Jesus. There were study question. It was hard to understand but I spent many a day working through this book and trying to understand Jesus' parables and so on.
This was my teens. I was in high school. Other students were not spending their evenings breaking their brains trying to understand biblical parables. So that is another clue of a deep inner drive in me to find something.
Is the sun set I would go to a place where I could view the sunset and enjoy the beauty of it. One lonely teen quietly watching the sunset and enjoying it. I was draw to it, i knew not why. My conscious mind did not label it anything. But my spirit would sometimes add a communion song to the moment - a song about breaking bread on our knees with our eyes to the setting sun. My spirit was searching for life, love and light.
The whole search was intuitive, without words. My spirit knew better than my head. A drive was there = a strong drive to explore frontiers beyond the material world. My mind was not consulted. My mind would not have agreed. My search was below or beyond my mind's knowing. My spirit knew what it needed. I did not. My spirit was fierce about it. It sought and kept on seeking, it knocked and kept on knocking. It needed something more than what I was consciously pursuing.
The search persisted for many years beyond my teens and through my twenties. Nothing satisfied my soul so the search continued. The search without a name, without words, beyond conscious recognition did not stop until my soul was satisfied, my spirit found a place to rest. My spirit had a goal (unstated) an objective (not put in words) and never stopped until that goal was reached. Anything that did not meet that high standard was rejected. My spirit did not seem willing to settle for anything less than the life, love and miracles I read about in the Bible.
Read more: My Inner Rebel
It was like I lived in a fog when I was young. That is how weak my sense of self was. A strong inner force worked below the surface. It tried to connect with God for the love and life I so much needed. See:
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