People Pleasers and Codependents
How are doormats or people pleasers different from codependents?
They have two different primary motivations. At a deep level, the primary need of the people pleaser is love. The primary need of the codependent is order.
The people pleaser sacrifices authentic identity in order to gain love or approval.
The codependent sacrifices one’s own needs for care to care for others.
The people pleaser undermines marriage by not being present as an authentic self.
The codependent undermines marriage by being too involved with helping those in need outside of the family.
About EMDR Therapy
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma.
EMDR therapy forces the emotional brain’s information processing system to move toward mental health. Memories normally locked to change become unblocked with bilateral input - left right eye movements, tapping, sounds, etc. Once the memory is unlocked then healing can occur as the emotional brain finds ways to core beliefs rooted in other emotional experiences that contradict the trauma Experience. In faith-based EMDR, God's voice may be the source of new truth and new experience.
Outcome Studies on EMDR Therapy
More than 30 positive controlled outcome studies have been done on EMDR therapy. Some of the studies show that 85% of single-trauma victims no longer have post-traumatic stress disorder after three 90-minute sessions.
Another study found that 77% of multiple trauma victims and 100% of the single-trauma victims were no longer diagnosed with PTSD after 6 sessions. Which supports another study that found that 77% of combat veterans were free of PTSD in 12 sessions,
Recognition of EMDR Therapy
There has been so much research on EMDR therapy that it is now recognized as an effective form of treatment for trauma and other disturbing experiences by organizations such as the American Psychiatric Association, the World Health Organization and the US Department of Defence. Given the worldwide recognition as an effective treatment of trauma, you can easily see how EMDR therapy would be effective in treating the “everyday” memories that are the reason people have low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and all the myriad problems that bring them in for therapy.
In summary it is and fast and effective way of making changes to emotional-based problems that are normally resistant to talk therapy. I make use of EMDR - the essentials protocol in conjunction with Christian listening prayer therapy and other modalities as described here as Peak Psychotherapy.
A testimony: '...Now I know that I can take ownership of my healing/treatment/life. Before, I felt like something was wrong with me and the way I handled my pain. Now I realize that I was using those outlets to heal; I no longer feel like I am copping out when I go to a protective mode.
I have had six EMDR sessions and have to say that for the first time, I feel in control of my life. I feel like I have a voice. Prior to EMDR, I was paralyzed with fear and anxiety. Now, I am free to live for the first time! I could have remained in traditional therapy for the rest of my life and never reached this state of understanding. Wish I had started treatment 30 years ago! http://www.staffordcommunitycounseling.com/emdr-testimonials/'
I am going to jump in here and define depression as the flow of life through our soul, heart and out into life. Our inner man is nurtured and maintained by this flow of life and love.
The source of the flow is transcendent - beyond what we see and feel - and this flow must flow through us and out to others in order for us to benefit from that flow. That is why Jesus said we must forgive if we are to experience forgiveness ourselves.
Depression is the disease that happens when the flow is blocked, the river of life is dammed up. With no flow of life energy, we feel depressed. Instead of a stream flowing with fresh water, we become a swamp with stagnant water.
Now if this is true and makes sense to you then you need to think about how to unblock the flow of life. Let me know if this does make sense and gives you any answers.
The flow of life means to love others unselfishly, to give generously to others, to share the blessings of life with others - not being stingy, selfish withholding.
Tesla is an example of a very humble man who pursued his love of inventions with passion and with total unselfishness, generosity and sharing with others. His desire to offer ‘free energy’ to all was blocked by mean selfish bankers who had no such motives.
I now believe that Tesla owes his great creativity to his willingness to give away what he discovered. The source of his imagination and intuition seems to reward that unselfish generous spirit.
Those depressed need to enter the flow of life by opening up to blessing others, opening up to the blessings of life, developing gratitude and enjoying loving unselfishly and audaciously. Embrace life.
I am writing a book on the healing of the Inner Child. I Believe the freeing and healing of our Inner child is important. Here are some reasons why.
You can get by without a free Inner Child and miss out when it comes to love and intimacy. You can make it through without a healed Inner Child but will miss out on a level of joy, and creativity. Freeing your Inner Child is about enjoying more of life, love, and God by finding healing and freedom of your Inner Child.
If your Inner Child is not free and healthy you are going to be anxious or depressed. If your Inner Child is freed, you will begin to experience more abundant life, vital energy, and less depression. I mean it, your repressed Inner Child is a primary cause of depression and anxiety and panic attacks.
Becoming ‘like a little child’ opens your heart to receive more of God’s love, be filled with the radiant light of God’s presence and enjoy greater access to divine creativity. You begin celebrating God’s presence everywhere and living in a stream of joy.
Freeing your Inner Child is remembering who you are, discovering your deepest heartfelt desires and removing the veils on your eyes to see life more clearly and be fully present in each moment of your life.
Your Inner Child allows you to feel life more deeply and have more active intuition (gut instinct).
Others will notice as your Inner Child gets healed. Many will sense that you are more present and make eye contact with greater ease. Some will sense that your spirit is getting brighter.
As your heart breaks open, your tears will flow more easily. It is almost that you are experiencing the heart of God. At those times you will find that the Holy Spirit flows through your prayers with great ease.
That means we should be willing to go to great lengths to heal and free out Inner Child.
Is time the greatest healer of emotional pain?
Briefly no. Emotional pain is recorded in the Emotional Brain and once there does not erase with more time.
In fact, there are very specific conditions to be met to allow even editing of emotional pain memories.
Not all therapies meet these specific conditions. Cognitive behavioural does not, for example.
Long term change and permanent change requires the right key to ‘Unlock’ the memory and then there must be emotional experiences that contradict the original memory and beliefs resulting from the memory. This must happen within a small time window of about 5 hours.
My practice of Christian inner healing prayer therapy changed 20 years ago when I learned how to provide this therapy in ways that meet the conditions for long term permanent life transformation.
Other therapies like EMDR and Coherence Therapy also meet these conditions and that is why I am equipping myself with a thorough understanding of these skills as well.
How is bi-polar related to codependent?
Can a bi-polar person be considered a co-dependent?
Yes, a codependent person can be bi-polar. I believe they are related problems.
My theory is that the Super-responsible person who comes out of a Parental Inversion family system has suppression fo the Inner child which causes a life of depression. It also leads into all kind of ‘codependent’ type relationships.
The personality system that keeps the Inner Child bottled up sometimes breaks down and the Inner child breaks out and does stuff it has been prevented from doing. There are now no controls on the Inner Child and the result may feel pleasant but end up disastrous.
That is, I believe, how bi-polar gets set up.
Would a person with an Avoidant Personality be Married with Children?
Can a person with avoidant personality disorder have a wife and children?
Yes they can.
The avoidant male or female is somewhat an expert at being peaceful and looking very calm and together. If their partner is not sensitive to the lack of personal sharing in the relationship, then it is quite possible for an avoidant person to end up married and with children.
The Avoidant Personality creates the persona that accomplishes their life purpose to look like they are living when they are just going through the motions. The Avoidant woman looks like the perfect wife by doing everything by the book, following rules, robotic-like. Think of the Stepford wives.
For the Avoidant to avoid risk it is advantageous to be married and have children. It is a safe place to hide. No one can demand that they change. No one thinks there is anything wrong. They are, after all intensely, focused on keeping up appearances and, therefore, looking the part.
Only if their spouse needs intimacy will ther be a problem - a growing dissatisfaction. There is sex without bonding, conversations without sharing, live without real connection. The marital connection, the holy bond, gradually withers away through neglect and so do the two marital partners.
The resultant relationship lacks real love. Is not life-giving. Is not emotionally healthy. But looks like the perfect marriage. Imagine the possibilities for gas-lighting. If you are married to the Avoidant spouse you will never be able to explain to them or to others why you are deeply dissatisfied with the marriage.
Confront your partner? That never happens with an avoidant spouse.
You may not even be clear in your own mind what is wrong. You do not realize that the most basic ingredient in a true godly marriage is missing - the connection, bonding, unity. You may not understand why you are sick and dying. Love maintains the human spirit - our core being. Our core being maintains the health of our body. When the spirit languishes for lack of love so will the body.
How do you explain to someone outside the marriage that you can never talk about anything of personal significance with you partner? You can't. No one understands. It is very difficult to explain to your friends and allies what is wrong unless they discern it themselves.
Is people-pleasing part of dependent personality disorder? I am going to look at a definition of the Dependent Personality and add comments as to the People Pleaser.
The dependent personality:
It was like I lived in a fog when I was young. That is how weak my sense of self was. A strong inner force worked below the surface. It tried to connect with God for the love and life I so much needed. See:
Report of marriage therapy with a narcissist.
For psychotherapy / therapy for anxiety Mississauga, Toronto, Oakville.
Understanding Psychotherapy for Bipolar Mississauga, Oakville, Toronto, Ontario.
Healing Codependent Issues with therapy and self-help.
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Links to Life Transformation Group:
George HartwellAnna Wolanczyk Psychotherapy Blog
Registered Christian Psychotherapist in Mississauga
Registered Psychotherapist in Mississauga, Toronto Polish speaking
Anna Wolanczyk registered psychotherapist by Skype, in Mississauga, Toronto, Ontario
George Hartwell registered psychotherapist and Christian counsellor in Mississauga, Toronto by Skype or phone or in person
Life Coaching by Registered Psychotherapist in Mississauga